Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Testing, testing, one...two...three...

I went in for a PET scan and a CT scan this morning to check for any tiny amounts of cancer cells that may be hiding in my body somewhere.
This is the process:
1. Change into lovely hospital gown with coordinating hospital drawstring pants. Check my look in the mirror...decide not to take picture with cell phone and use it for dating website.

2. Radiologist puts IV in arm. Freak out a little because even though you are used to needles going into your chest now, it freaks you out to have them put into your arm for some strange reason.

3. Walk with radiologist outside of the hospital...yes...outside for the world to see your lovely hopsital gown attire.

4. Enter a trailer where you are seated in a recliner, pillows propped behind your head, and a warm blanked is placed upon your lap. Possibly to hide the ugly gown ensemble.

5. The radiologist then pours you not one, but two glasses of red kool aid laced with radiation, and asks you to drink. Contemplate for a moment, then decide against calling him Jim Jones, but giggle inside just a bit.

6. Watch as Mr Jones injects saline solution and more radioactive fun into your IV. Wonder if he is single.

7. Mr Jones then tells you to rest, move as little as possible in that comfy recliner, and he will be back in 45 minutes.

8. 45 minutes later: Wake up to Mr Jones, wipe kool aid stained drool off of chin, follow Mr Jones into the main building again to urinate. Flush twice because urine is now saturated with radiation that is aparently dangerous to everyone else in the hospital, but me.

9. Wonder why they had me drink it then pee it out.

10. Follow Mr Jones back to the trailer, listen to him talk about his family, which answers the question of his marital status. Sigh.

11. Lay down on a very skinny bed like structure with arms above your head. Mr Jones tells you not to move until the test is over, and takes your best friend away (water bottle).

12. Machine starts, time goes by very slowly without liquid refreshment. Silently curse yourself for not bringing a camel back.

13. 30 minutes later you are done. Follow Mr Jones back in to the hospital to remove IV, change back into real clothing and urinate some more (flushing twice again).

14. Walk out to car, realize you left water bottle in the hospital, walk back in a panic to find it. Drink heavily, refill at fountain, walk back to car again.

15. (optional) Meet mom at IHOP for the worst food you have tasted in a very long time.

16. Write about adventures of the day on blog, post.

5 comments:

Dan said...

We must be related because you are as twisted as I am. I thought we were always told "Don't drink the Koolaid!!!"

Collin Loni and CY said...

LOVE your story! It made my day! :) haha.. You drank radiation?? WOW! Don't go shopping!

Kalynn said...

Jim Jones....heh...good one.

Paige Marie said...

Ha ha.. I love your stories! You always tell them so well. I really miss seeing you every day!

heather said...

tracy, you are so freaking funny, i think cancer really gave you a good sense of humor, i can't believe your great attitude about your situation, i could never be as postive as you
i love you, glad you're finally getting done with all of this